Trials and Tribulations

"Seasons of fidelity and betrayal, periods of consolation and desolation, zeal and apathy are not unknown to me. And there have been times....

When the felt presence of God was more real to me than the chair I am sitting on; when the Word ricocheted like broken-backed lightning in every corner of my soul; when a storm of desire carried me to places I had never visited.

And there have been other times...
when I identified with the words of Mae West; 'I used to be Snow White--but I drifted'; When the Word was as stale as old ice cream and as bland as tame sausage; when the fire in my belly flickered and died; when I mistook dried-up enthusiasm for gray-haired wisdom; when I dismissed youthful idealism as mere naivete; when I preferred cheap slivers of glass to the pearl of great price." Brennan Manning (Catholic priest)

And yet Still I am Abba's child!

The past few weeks I have faced some difficult things and some difficult realizations, from finishing a grueling semester that left my confidence in a gutter somewhere along the way, to caring for my mom in a difficult surgery, and onto a new semester with new people, new expectations and the presence of some difficult circumstances leaving my future in the balance. On Monday after my exam, which I passed, the pressures of everything hit me. I am one who has been through stress before, and am no stranger to difficult paths, however, even I hit a breaking point and that point came on Monday. Not for any one particular reason but for a cummulation of things. After a long talk with my pastor and regaining some perspective, I felt like I was ready to take on this last 60+ days, to only wake up Tuesday and have the rug pulled out from under me. I can't explain it all now but as I know more I will share.

Yesterday and today have been a time of contemplation and reevaluating. Life as a Christian is not meant to be easy. God even says that it may be harder at times. I will never claim to be perfect, in fact I will be the first to say I am not. However, my greatest fear is to be looked at as "one of those hypocrites," as some view Christians. When you say you are a Christian there is a standard that is set upon us and rightly so, but we are human as well. As I reevaluate things I fear I have become one of those hypocrites. Not living as God would call me to, and not trusting as God would call me to do. Today when I woke up I was reminded of the verse "All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; But the Lord has caused the sin of us all to fall on Him (Jesus). Isaiah 53:6

My desire is not to preach hear but the point of this blog is to share the happenings in my life. And currently this is what I am learning. I am loved by the creator of the Universe despite what I do or how I act. I can turn my back on Him and walk away and all I have to do is turn around and He is there. That is a humbling thought! Despite how I have been feeling this past few weeks, choices I have made, or ways that I have failed, God the creator of the universe Loves me.

I was reading in a book and came across this thought: "Sometimes faith is the absence of fear. other times faith may be choosing to believe God even when your heart is melting with fear. Perhaps then, faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it." Beth Moore. Today I am choosing faith. Faith that knows that no matter what is ahead God is there and He will guide my every step. I am choosing Faith because I know that God is the true and everlasting God, and that He promises He will never leave or forsake us. Faith because God is not a far away God who does not care about our individual needs but He is a God who cares about the very hair on our head.

Hit and run

Today after church I was taking my laundry to the laundry mat. I was pulled up near the door so that I could throw my stuff into a large basket. While I was returning to my car with the cart my car jumped. When I looked up I saw a little old lady pulling out of her handicap space. She slammed into my car and then proceeded to gas it out of the place. She was not moving slowly either. By time I realized what was happening and found my keys she was already out of the parking lot. I could only get the first 3 digits of her license plate. Who would have thought a sweet innocent little old lady could pull off a hit and run and tear out of the place like that.

Luckily my good old trusty subaru is like steel. she busted out my turn signal light, and left a dent but nothing obvious unless you are up close. As I was getting ready to move my car a guy came out of the diner next door and said "That old lady sure was speedy and not so innocent. You should have seen the look on her face." I guess he was sitting in the booth with a window looking out at the whole thing. At least I can look back at it and laugh.

First week of clinicals

Thursday was my chance to go to the operating room and observe a few surgeries. I got the chance to watch a gallbladder removed, hysterectomy, and a total hip replacement. They tell you to make sure you eat before hand to help prevent passing out. When you arrive they tell you that if you feel faint, or not well to step out of the room and that if you can't do that then just sit down. Well, I did not have to do any of that. The first two were done without any major incision and there were cameras placed inside to do all the work. I got to watch the screen the doctor was viewing for the procedure. The last one they cut into the persons leg, sawed, and hammered but it didn't bother me.

For the hip surgery it was interesting to watch the whole process. First they have a really strong tech hold the leg in position up in the air while they prep and clean the leg. Then they rest it down and start the incision. 3 doctors are in the room for the procedure. 2 are there to assist the main doctor. When they were sawing the guys top of his femur off to replace the arthritic ball and socket it was kind of a weird smell. Then they worked a rod into the guys femur, slowly making it bigger and bigger. The guy lost a lot of blood but the cool thing is that they have a machine called a cell saver where as they suction they are saving that blood to then give back to the guy as he needs it.

When I left the surgery they were doing an x ray to see if the guys femur was fractured. I wish I could have seen the end of that procedure.

It was interesting because the nurses were very intent on us realizing that they do nursing care. The funny thing is, why do they have to convince us. Some benefits to working as an OR nurse is the fact that you work mon-friday and are on call only one weekend. Most nurses have to work every other weekend in the hospital. It used to be that one nurse scrubbed in (gowned and became "sterile"). this nurse could touch the patient and was responsible for handing the doctor their tools. Then there is the circulating nurse who was not considered sterile and could not touch anything related to the surgery or the patient. This person is the one who charts, and also is the runner. At the hospital I was at, and probobly becoming more common, they are not having nurses scrub in. This person is now often a tech. who makes less money. To be honest, neither had a real exciting role but the circulating nurse had the least exciting role in my mind. I think I would be bored as an OR nurse. I don't like to stand around and I need something to do to keep me busy. In the total hip surgery the circulating nurse spent much of her time sitting there watching not doing much more than me.

Today, I was on the pediatric floor. It is a bit tough because we are at a small peds hospital, so not as many clients, and the "sick" kids are sent out. So this makes it tough to truly experience life as a pediatric nurse. I had a six yearold with a brain tumor though she was discharged by 10 am. I then got to take care of a young boy with pneumonia. Neither of the patients needed much so it was tough for me, again, trying to find something to at least look busy. I really think of myself as a pediatric nurse or a trauma/critical care nurse. I think I could do either but I wish I had a better chance to evaluate peds and see what it is truly like. I still have 3 more days so maybe in that time I can see a little bit more.

After next week I get to go to mother baby and hold lots of little newborns. Talk about a tough job. It will be hard not to want to take them all home with me.

Monday is my first exam. Hoping for a great start to the semester to take some pressure off. This semester is not so much a tough semester acidemically. The material is not as overwhelming so far, but the time commitment is. I often leave around 6:45am and dont get home till 4;30 or 5pm. By 9pm I am so spent I am ready to fall asleep. It is tough to get good quality studying in with this little of time so if anything that is what will make this semester tough. They keep adding stuff on top of it, as if we don't already have enough. Oh but Aug 14th is on the horizon. We are already nearing the half way mark of June. Thank God for that.

Off and running

I returned from a very busy last minute trip to Oregon and began my semester running. I flew in on Wednesday night, after missing two days of class. On Thursday I had a flat tire and luckily I live next to a street sweeping company and their shop. One of the guys was nice enough to take my car into the shop at 5:30am and repair my flat tire. I had to be at school at 8 am because I had a test on my first day back.

Have you ever felt so tired that you feel like you are blowing everything out of perspective. Well, I am there. I feel like there are two of me. The one who is in the midst of the chaos, and blowing even small things out of perspective. Then there is the one sitting back and knows that they are making things bigger than they need to be but can't seem to do anything about it. It is a weird feeling and one I am ready to be past.

This semester we are covering mother and baby, pediatrics, psych, and a few weeks of critical care. I am currently learning about the birthing process and the newborn but my clinical time is in pediatrics. The material is wonderful but by nature of a shorter semester the schedule is packed. Thank God I am not working beyond my every other weekend. I am now not getting home till 4 or 5pm and then trying to find time to study. We just started school last Tuesday and already we have our first test this coming monday. It all feels like a mad dash to the finish.

Tomorrow I get to go into the Operating room and watch a few surgery's. They have already warned us to eat breakfast or else we will pass out. I don't get bothered by blood and things but it should be interesting. Friday I will have my first day in pediatrics which I am hoping will be a chance for me to see if that is something I want to do. They say loving children is not enough to go into peds. Besides dealing with the parents, it can be tough to watch a child be sick. I feel like it could be a place I would thrive, but I guess that is yet to be seen.

Well, I am off to bed and up for another long day tomorrow. Please pray for my test on Monday and Tuesday and that somewhere in the midst of this I can find some rest and some perspective.

4 way stops!

I never thought that I could be so excited to pull up to a 4 way stop but today I was. I pulled up and each person took there turn appropriately at a 4 way stop, here in Portland. In NJ where I live there is a 4 way stop and it doesn't matter, there is never any order to it. People just go when they feel like it, some don't even stop.

Though, being nearly run off the road by some old guy who simply just waved at me when I honked made me laugh. He just waved at me like I was honking to say hi. Mind you, I was trying to prevent myself from being run off the freeway as I had no where to go. Gotta love driving.

Playing the part of Good Samaritan

I seem to have a knack for finding crazy situations. Yesterday I flew out of Newark airport at 7am. I had only gotten a mere restless 4 hours of sleep the night before. I was looking forward to getting on the plane and falling asleep. Within a few minutes I was out like a light only to be awaken a short time later by the stewardesses announcing they were bringing breakfast around and the prices of all the menu items. As I was waiting for them to come I notice the stewardesses were running around and seemed like something was up. When I stood to see what they were doing I could see they were focused on one guy. I decided to go up and see if they needed any help and as soon as I said I am an EMT and nursing student they said “here please take over, we will get you whatever you need.”

The man was vomiting and did not look good. When I looked at his pupils I realized he was not in good shape. He kept going in and out of consciousness and was not arousing to verbal stimulus. At that point I took his Blood pressure and saw that he was 70/30 and barely could find a pulse. I laid him down in the shock position.

At this point the stewardess said “They want to know if you want him to divert the plane? What do you think?” What do I think??? Well, I just assumed they would divert the plane and did not expect them to rely on my “expertise”. Haha, did they here nursing student? I think they missed that part. Initially we decided to divert but with being laid down, and some other things his BP went up. At that point I offered to monitor the guy for the remaining 4 hours and as long as he stayed stable we could continue on. They guy was 82 and he kept saying it must have been that bagel I ate this morning. Sorry my friend I don’t think a bagel would cause your blood pressure and pulse to do that. As I talked to him more, I realized he takes a beta blocker medicine for his Glaucoma (pressure in the eye increases causing damage to the vision). A beta blocker is most often used for the heart and it drops the blood pressure and pulse. It turns out he was not using it properly, in order to prevent the eye drops from going into the blood stream by putting pressure on your inner corner of your eye for 2 min. This is a common side effect. I can’t say this is what was causing it but it made sense.

Once things had calmed and it seemed the man was going to be stable for the remainder of the flight, the stewardesses were giving me free food, asking me if I needed anything. I felt like I was in first class. At one point a stewardess mentioned that I would probably get a free ticket from Delta, or at the minimum she was going to send me a buddy pass. I told them it is what I do and that they don’t have to do anything. At that point she said, you just saved Delta a lot of money and hassle as we would have had to find ways to get all of the people on this flight another way to get to their destinations. I never thought of that.

Well, my second leg out of Salt Lake City was much less dramatic, and I am now in Portland. I came down to Albany and had Red Robyn with my best friend Robyn from college. Now I am sitting on the couch with her daughter cuddled up to me. Oh can I stay here forever. This is one of the things I miss most about being in NJ. I miss coming and hanging out with my good friends Rob and Robyn and their fun kids. We are on a mission to find a way to get Robyn to NJ. Soon it will happen but not soon enough ☺

A relaxing weekend!

This weekend I enjoyed every second of it, without homework! Yeah. On Friday after the final my friend Laurie from school and I went and hung out. I had never had a pedicure so we decided it would be a fun treat following a stressful week. Man I might be hooked. Having your feet and calves massaged and someone do your toe nails. It was so relaxing. Afterward we went and hung out with another friend for dinner and spent the evening watching medical mystery shows. We are such nerds! Saturday I had dinner with my roommate and then went and had drinks and a movie with my friend Laurie again.

Now a day with the family and then tomorrow is a nice day of NOTHING!!!! I have the week off to recover before our 3rd and final semester and glad for that. Tuesday I will be flying home to portland for a short visit.

God is good and I am glad to have the weight off of my shoulders of this past semester. Well, off to enjoy some freedom. :-)

I can finally say it....Save the Date!!!

I am officially inviting all to save the date for my nursing graduation on August 27th. All are welcome to the party in NJ.

As you can tell, that means I passed the second semester. I passed my final and even pulled my grade up even higher. It is such a relief to be through with the most difficult semester of nursing. The Summer semester is an easier semester so I feel confident I can move through without a question.

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement.

SaraJane

It is finished!

The long awaited end to the semester has finally arrived! This morning at 9am we had our final exam. The exam went alright, not great! But I don't need great, I just need to pass. Our school motto is C=RN (Registered Nurse). Supposidly we will be emailed our final grades tomorrow morning but we will see how that works out. I am actually pretty relaxed about it and feel I probably did fine. Many were stressed to the gills as they had to pull their grades up.

Tonight I am relaxing with a friend from school. We are going for a run and out to dinner so it should be a great evening. I will keep you posted when I know more. Thanks for all the prayers!

SaraJane

Sigh of relief!!!

I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. After spending countless days in the college library till 11pm, midnight and spending my weekends off in the library, I finally finished my 5th exam. I got a whopping 80%! Whoo hoo! That is above the class average which is my new standard of evaluating my grades. Most programs you are aiming for an A, in our nursing program I don't know if one person has ever gotten an A, and there are very, very few B's on tests.

I still have a very big final on Friday but with this grade I have given myself enough of a cushion that I can take a deep breath. I will still spend the next 3 days with my nose in the books but I am not trying to pull my grade up out of the pit, just keep from going into the pit.

I do have to say, God is good and is quite humorous. I know that people are praying for me and I am so grateful. But one test last semester and this most recent test, I specifically reached out and asked people to pray for me, and more specifically that I would get 80%. Both exams, I got EXACTLY 80%. God is good and does answer prayers. Hmmm maybe I should have told people to pray for 100%. Hahaha.

Have a good week!

Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

A day off!

Today, is a day off since classes are finished. We still have clinicals at the hospital on Thursday and Friday but beyond that it is simply some free time to study. Today is a miserable rainy day so hoping to get some good studying in. However, there is one problem, they still have yet to give us our Final blue print of what the final will cover. It was suppose to have been posted already but still no sign. It is not that I can't study despite it, but with the extraordinary amount we covered this semester it makes for a bit more focused and wiser studying. I can't believe that it is next week that I have my last two exams. The time has come so quickly and still not quick enough. I am grateful that I am in a position that I just have to maintain my grades. More than half of the class was failing and had to pull their grades up with these exams. We may be looking quite a bit smaller following this semester. I for one will be grateful for this semester to be over and to move on. Next semester we will be covering Mother/baby (delivery), pediatrics, and psych. I am looking forward to the change in topics.

Blessings!

Can I please just hide in a hole???

This past 5 days or so has been a time that I wished that I could just find a hole to hibernate in and not have to face the world for a season. Part of it is school and part of it is other things to which I am unable to share. Needless to say, I have been thrown for a loop and I am slowly finding my footing again. God is good and in the midst of it He has provided in absolutely amazing ways. Just when I think, God where are you when life stinks, there He is saying "I'm here and I love you just the same!" I wish I could share it all and in time I am sure I will be able to. In the mean time I appreciate the prayers.

On the more positive note, I am registered to run in the NYC half marathon (13.1 miles) on August 16th. A friend from school, Laurie, and I are going to run it together. Our Final is on Aug 14th, so we are using it as a celebration! She has never ran that far and I am helping her with it, so it is very fun for me to do. I love watching people do something they have never done and find confidence in themselves. Then on Nov 1st is the NYC marathon (26.2 miles) which we have also registered for. It is a lottery so we won't know if we were accepted until June 1st. This is a good side distractor to keep me from being overwhelmed with school. I find that I do soooooo much sitting because of class and studying that I need something to release the stress and to get the blood flowing. This will be my second marathon!

I guess, if I have all this training to do, I can't hide in a hole. Darn it!

Spoiled in April!

They say April showers brings May flowers! However, I must say I have been spoiled since Friday with weather in the 80's and 90's. It is not often in NJ that you get those kinds of temps with relatively low humidity and I know before long the energy zapping humidity will arrive. In the mean time I enjoyed 5 days of absolutely gorgeous weather. Today was 92 and now I can see a thunderstorm is brewing to bring in the more seasonal temperatures and rain. Have I mentioned I love thunderstorms and they are quite regular around here. It is the kind of thunder that feels like it is right inside your bedroom and the lightning brightens up the sky.

As for my exams they area quickly coming. All I need are 70's and I am on to semester 3. This is an improvement from last semester when at this time I was not passing the program and had to fight to pull my grade up. Though due to the material it is a tough or tougher feat to maintain my grade. I have been blessed to have a few weeks off work, and there is no way I could do it without that. I am like a walking zombie, but I know that when that 3rd semester starts, I will be rejuvinated as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are big things on the horizon that I am very excited about. I graduate Aug 27th, will hopefully take the NCLEX exam for my license the first or second week of September. There is a possibility on the horizon of going to Africa for 2-3 weeks during the interim to work as a nurse while I wait for my license to be able to work. This would be an awesome opportunity and learning experience. It is one of the biggest reasons I went into nursing and it is a good chance to do something before I start into the routine of work.

On a more serious note, I have begun the process of applying for the Army Nurses Corps reserve program. This is a great opportunity to serve my country and to receive some great training in disaster and mass casualty work which is the area of Nursing that I have wanted to do. The Army nurses are trained as leaders, and how to handle disasters in a way that is well respected in the civilian world. Not only will they pay most of my school loans off in only 3 years, I will have the opportunity to get my Masters paid for. I know this is a serious decision, and it is one that I have considered and prayed about for a very long time. The more I look into it the more I am excited about the opportunity. I recognize the possiblity of being deployed and I am fine with that. The process is long and I won't know much till the end of the summer. In the mean time I focus on school and surviving this year.

Please continue to pray for me, for strength, for purity, for focus, and for my exams May 11th and 15th. Miss you all!

Could there be any better distraction!

After a very tough week, I enjoyed a bit of a leisurely day. It was a sunny, gorgeous, 89 degree day. I got up and went for a run and then took my dog to the dog park and enjoyed a few hours in the park with some friends from church. It was so relaxing and refreshing for me. We are expecting this kind of weather through Tuesday or so. It feels a bit like an Oregon summer with the warm weather and no humidity. I know that it won't be something I will get to enjoy for long as the humidity will move in soon.

Following a nice long nap, I have resumed my studies for the final 2 1/2 weeks. I have an exam on May 11 and our final on May 15th which is worth 40% of our grade. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to this semester ending!

Bang bang your dead!

Bang bang your dead, is a new phrase around our apartment! I have been teaching my dog, Faith, some tricks. First it was shake, then high five and now it is "bang bang your dead". The outcome should be her laying on her side with her head down. This has been quite fun to teach and I only started it last night. At first I had her start in a down position and when I would say our favorite phrase I would roll her to her side and give her a treat. However, today she has decided that any position with the head down should work and after a few times of saying it she acts like you are really trying to shoot her and she hides between your leg like she is scared. I guess we will have to take a short furlough from this trick and move on to another trick.