Trials and Tribulations

"Seasons of fidelity and betrayal, periods of consolation and desolation, zeal and apathy are not unknown to me. And there have been times....

When the felt presence of God was more real to me than the chair I am sitting on; when the Word ricocheted like broken-backed lightning in every corner of my soul; when a storm of desire carried me to places I had never visited.

And there have been other times...
when I identified with the words of Mae West; 'I used to be Snow White--but I drifted'; When the Word was as stale as old ice cream and as bland as tame sausage; when the fire in my belly flickered and died; when I mistook dried-up enthusiasm for gray-haired wisdom; when I dismissed youthful idealism as mere naivete; when I preferred cheap slivers of glass to the pearl of great price." Brennan Manning (Catholic priest)

And yet Still I am Abba's child!

The past few weeks I have faced some difficult things and some difficult realizations, from finishing a grueling semester that left my confidence in a gutter somewhere along the way, to caring for my mom in a difficult surgery, and onto a new semester with new people, new expectations and the presence of some difficult circumstances leaving my future in the balance. On Monday after my exam, which I passed, the pressures of everything hit me. I am one who has been through stress before, and am no stranger to difficult paths, however, even I hit a breaking point and that point came on Monday. Not for any one particular reason but for a cummulation of things. After a long talk with my pastor and regaining some perspective, I felt like I was ready to take on this last 60+ days, to only wake up Tuesday and have the rug pulled out from under me. I can't explain it all now but as I know more I will share.

Yesterday and today have been a time of contemplation and reevaluating. Life as a Christian is not meant to be easy. God even says that it may be harder at times. I will never claim to be perfect, in fact I will be the first to say I am not. However, my greatest fear is to be looked at as "one of those hypocrites," as some view Christians. When you say you are a Christian there is a standard that is set upon us and rightly so, but we are human as well. As I reevaluate things I fear I have become one of those hypocrites. Not living as God would call me to, and not trusting as God would call me to do. Today when I woke up I was reminded of the verse "All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; But the Lord has caused the sin of us all to fall on Him (Jesus). Isaiah 53:6

My desire is not to preach hear but the point of this blog is to share the happenings in my life. And currently this is what I am learning. I am loved by the creator of the Universe despite what I do or how I act. I can turn my back on Him and walk away and all I have to do is turn around and He is there. That is a humbling thought! Despite how I have been feeling this past few weeks, choices I have made, or ways that I have failed, God the creator of the universe Loves me.

I was reading in a book and came across this thought: "Sometimes faith is the absence of fear. other times faith may be choosing to believe God even when your heart is melting with fear. Perhaps then, faith is tested by what we do with fear, not whether or not we have it." Beth Moore. Today I am choosing faith. Faith that knows that no matter what is ahead God is there and He will guide my every step. I am choosing Faith because I know that God is the true and everlasting God, and that He promises He will never leave or forsake us. Faith because God is not a far away God who does not care about our individual needs but He is a God who cares about the very hair on our head.